Shattered lives and dreams
Whether you have experienced the tragic loss of a loved one, the ravages of divorce,
broken relationships, domestic abuse or dealing with death, we have to find the courage
and strength to face these horrible challenges. Life remains as fragile and unpredictable as ever.
Shock and Denial
You say to yourself; “this can’t be happening.” This first stage of grieving is to deny the reality of your loss and by not accepting or even acknowledging it. It is a survival reaction and works as a defence mechanism that blocks you from the immediate shock of your loss. It is nature’s way of softening the blow, by slowly allowing you to accept this pain and letting in only as much as, you can handle.
You may feel numb and overwhelmed and nothing will make sense. You will question life and any beliefs you may have. You will wonder how you can go on, if you can go on, or even why you should go on. It is common to not cry at this stage.
Anger has no limits. It may be aimed at inanimate objects, family, friends, strangers,
doctors, God and even the deceased loved one. The numbness wears off and the reality and pain emerge. You won’t be ready. You may feel guilty for your anger, which can make you angrier. Even though it may seem endless, the more you truly feel it, the more it will grow and not dissipate. This anger is coming from your pain, and may be your strength. At first, it may feel lost but then you will direct it, and it may feel like all you have to hang on to and that’s better than nothing.
Life will challenge us with difficulties on a regular basis. Our emotions will be discomforting in these circumstances. Sometimes, we struggle to tolerate and process the disquieting emotions. Our ability to assign long term meaning to the struggles may alleviate.
The first step to deal with heart wrenching challenges is through “hope and faith.” Moving forward in a positive manner is crucial and essential to help get through tough times. The
truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you realize that the situation is over, unless you learn from your mistakes, you cannot move forward.
Everyone is different and how you feel and when can’t be predicted. Some emotions may be
brief and some may last months or even longer. They may happen simultaneously and you may repeat stages. There may even be some you don’t experience. These are the common emotions to loss that many people have, but there is no usual response to loss as there is no usual loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives. We will never fully get over our loss.
When the loss of your loved one fully settles in your soul, grief will appear on a level deeper then you can imagine. Sadness, like you had never felt before, the feelings of emptiness, loneliness and despair. This stage feels as though it will last forever.
Your sadness is understandable and an expected stage to your healing. To not experience depression and sadness after a loved one dies, or shattered lives and dreams would be unusual. It is important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is a legitimate response to your loss.
You need to take all the time you need and allow yourself to feel this sorrow. Just remember, your grief is as unique as you are. You have the right to grief the way you want to and for as long as you want to, but do not let it consume your life.
We cannot push ourselves to process more than our resources are capable of processing. For us to lounge around in the pain longer than we are equipped to handle will result in deregulation of our system, and possibly even a collapse into helpless sorrow.
By gaining a deeper knowledge of our capabilities and our inner and outer resources, it can help us chart our ways through the difficult waters of life. It is a fact that not every distraction has equal value. Therefore distraction alone is not the complete solution to the torments of life.
There will be times when the emotional strain of an event is too large for us to process immediately. It does not mean we are weak, or less than a person than others who seem to easily process similar events. It just means we are uniquely human. Our constant task as mature adults is to overcome the desire to escape the present moment and to continue to
find hope in the face of adversity.
Living to improve our lives is an important factor. The changing of balance gives us faith in our ability to surmount the challenges we are faced with. The torments lose their sting and the moments of joy begin to permeate our day to day living on a regular basis and slowly our sorrows soften.
I have learned that with time ‘love’ heals all wounds. Do not hide your thoughts and feelings, especially when you can make a difference. Be brave. Speak your truth. There is no greater sadness than holding onto words; you never had the courage to speak.